


The last time we loved

by Jude_Benhail



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Divorce, Drama & Romance, F/M, Love, Memories, Photographer Jensen, Post-Divorce, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-04 15:28:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12773952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jude_Benhail/pseuds/Jude_Benhail
Summary: Divorce isn't always a two-way street.Jensen and Sophia, childhood best friends, were once in love, happily married but are now going through a slow divorce. They're on good and bad terms; they've finally reached a good place after months of suffering but Sophia is aggressively stalling and she still won't sign the divorce papers.Jensen needs to move forward with his life. He has already shifted careers, leaving physical therapy behind and going back to his first love: photography. He's seeing a model he's met on set of one of his recent gigs. And he feels like a brand new man.He can't look back.Sophia, riddled with mental illness and fighting personal demons, is still clutching at straws: at the memory of love and happiness, and a seemingly perfect fantasy that got pulled right from under her feet. She fears she might lose her only chance at being happy or normal.She can’t let go.It all gets complicated when after a routine medical check, one half of the couple (already falling apart) gets bad news. Perspectives shift, and they start revisiting their pasts, their sins, failures, and their memories in new light.





	1. Foreword

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story about love, in its many evolving forms, heartbreak, missed chances, moving on, and letting go. It's also about death: figurative and literal. 
> 
> At the beginning I wanted to write it as Jensen Ackles/You or Jensen Ackles/Reader because I wanted the readers to see themselves in the story but it’s not a format that I think can pull off nicely - BUT hopefully, Sophia will be relatable enough, flawed enough, and human enough that many of you would be able to easily swap her for themselves, or at least be able to see part of you in her.

Can a love, taking its last breaths, be saved? Can we turn the clocks? If we're willing, can we really find a way back to ourselves again following great loss?


	2. Our life before the fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wish we'd remained normal. I wish I hadn't yearned for more. Perhaps then we could have stayed together."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me into the Darkness by Fightstar: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1EfzDG8glo

The moment they decided to separate, Jensen and Sophia effectively became single at the same time. But Sophia could never brush off the fear that Jensen will or might already have had a head start on her when it comes to reaching that elusive nirvana called "moving on" -- then again it was Jensen who first floated the idea of separation when things started heading south.

In retrospect, Sophia doesn't really blame him. It was bad,  _really_  bad, so bad that she plummeted into a depressive episode that almost pushed her to the brink of self-harm, and sent spiraling her into a dark place she still refuses to give a name or shape to. She calls it the "darkness" as a shorthand. It's vague and mysterious enough. It's also gloomy but still laced with hope. Where there's darkness, there's light because darkness is not a standalone. It's the absence of something and one cannot be perpetually scared of an "absence" -- therein lies the hope.

The term, "darkness" as a reference to her mental state or temperament, was actually pinned down by Jensen himself to describe the place Sophia disappeared into when she'd get depressed and moody, or feel down and withdrawn, or is just PMSing.

"You've gone into the darkness," he'd say, and Sophia would jokingly suggest he should follow, as per their favorite song by Fightstar. If the mood allows for it, sometimes he'd sing the chorus, "Days spent in the rain. Some people say it's a shame that we. Only get to live once. But if you'd seen the things that I've seen ..." and on the song goes. Frankly, he had a beautiful voice, Sophia would secretly think, as she'd comically roll her eyes at how corny (and admittedly, really pretty) the lyrics are. 

Without really announcing it, on most days Jensen would follow her into the darkness and hold her hand all through.

Until one day, he decided he can't any more - this is when things started to fall apart.

Sophia was almost always going through  _something_  and Jensen confessed that he was just tired. It was a case of "love was not enough to pull us back together", and he's right, it really wasn't.

In a detached way, Sophia sees now how he was probably burned out, and how that was the first crack in the wall. That their problems went far deeper into their pasts than they gave them credit for. That yeah, that thing between them - love, familiarity, all the constants - couldn't stand up to the vast force that kept pulling them apart and simultaneously tearing their lives at the seams, whatever that force is.

Despite getting all this, the anxiety of losing that secret race to the moving-on line was and is gnawing at Sophia - made worse by every step Jensen takes to finalize their separation. He's the person propelling them forward. Filing for divorce, talking logistics, packing up, moving out. Sophia can't help feeling left behind even though they go around telling friends and family that it was a mutual decision. Kinda.

When the divorce discussions started, no curses were exchanged and the roiling, stormy emotions sort of came to a halt. In fact, they'd be sharing the same couch but it would be jarringly business-like; the separation was being discussed in cold terms like they hadn't shared meals, disappointments, sleepless nights, laughs, tears and some mind-blowing orgasms, some of these on that very same couch.

Sophia knows it was them - she can't blame the impending divorce on anything else, like other couples would, not on devastating things like alcohol or addiction or physical abuse or serial lying or cheating or any of the usual suspects, and somehow this is more disorienting. It was a slow decay; the separation has been happening for years it seems. Their inability to handle what life is throwing at them while making their marriage work is what went wrong. It's the lack of a "them". And it feels like the greatest failure.

The worst rejection. It's not this or that. It's us. It's  _you_.

Despite knowing this (that it wasn't someone that got between them), Sophia can't help but get curious about how Jensen spends his day now that he's moved out. It's been less than a week, but a week is an awfully long time when one is alone with their thoughts and demons, and suddenly, lonely. Did he meet someone? Is he as hurt as Sophia is or is he celebrating? Is he already happy and planning his next life? Has he actually met someone while she looked the other way? Was the blame game, and tearful nights, and heated arguments, just a cover for something else? An affair, or worse, a budding romance?

Can she call him now? Is it too early to try and pretend that their edges are not frayed and charred? 

Is it too much to want to be friends again, immediately, after so many years of playing house? Is it desperate? She feels she needs reassurances from the world, from circumstances, and most importantly from him.

So she texts Jensen, casually, asking what he's up to. It takes him half an hour to respond, and in that half hour, Sophia lies back and imagines all kind of scenarios from him prepping lunch or watching TV and not really paying attention to his phone, to him, breathless and sweaty, on top or inside of a wriggling, writhing, hot young thing (the kinda girl that Sophia, 30, disenchanted and only a mark above average, would never be) and that the passionate lovemaking is the backdrop to her little text lighting up his phone, which shudders for a second on his night stand, desperate for attention, and painfully secondary. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note: I'm NOT using Jensen Ackles' real-life personality here. So I'm not trying to pretend this is how he probably talks in real life, or how he'd react to things. To me, he's more like the actor playing the part of this rendition of Jensen in the story. I wish I could just name the character something else (Dave, or Mike or whatever), and ask you to imagine that said character is being played by actor Jensen Ackles, because it would fit what this is more. But it's easier to just use Jensen's name, because in my head, this part is played by him - it's like I'm casting him for this imaginary movie.
> 
> I'm borrowing some details from Jensen's real life (the fact that he wanted to go to Uni of Texas and study sports medicine, and his love for photography) as shortcuts, or a bit like a canvas to tell my story. I hope you enjoy it.

**Author's Note:**

> I plan to update regularly.
> 
> This will also be cross-published on Wattpad.


End file.
